We Aren't Creating, But Let's Stop Enabling

Many of the comments on social media, blogs and news stories seem to show confusion about the issues at hand.

As far as I'm aware, there is no evidence to suggest that itty bitty costumes, adult choreography and make up on children create pedophiles.

We could dress our children naked on a stage and have them dance with a pole and it wouldn’t create any extra pedophiles, nor would it mean those children were asking to be violated any more than a woman wearing a short skirt or low cut blouse walking down the street is asking to be raped.  It's also true that women and children who wear clothing from top to toe are subjected to sexual assault and rape - so clearly clothing has little to do with the creation of sexual predators.

Nonetheless, in the wake of the arrest of Grant Davies of RGDance there has been a lot of focus on the costumes, style and choreography preferred by that studio, which is reasonably pervasive in some pockets of the dance industry.  It’s definitely the preferred style of some of the high profile dance schools in the US like Dance Precisions or the Abby Lee Dance Company of ‘Dance Moms’ fame.  It’s interesting that RG Dance not only chose similar styles but actually targeted those particular studios for workshops and collaboration.  Clearly they didn’t create the style but they certainly - obviously and unashamedly - admired and emulated it.

RGDance was obviously more than one person.  However, from an outsider observer viewpoint it seemed to me that Grant Davies set the marketing tone and general style.  As I point out in my last post I don’t think the style created the situation, but perhaps with the hindsight that these allegations provide, the style preferred by the studio reflected Grant’s personal preferences.

The more we see something the more normal it becomes, even if it is something initially that shocks us.  Every time a new boundary is pushed, there is initial resistance but soon after acceptance and there is then a ‘new normal’.  We see this in the (highly scripted, I suspect) Dance Moms TV show where the parents frequently complain that this time Abby has gone too far…but they don’t pull their student out or refuse to participate.  They meekly accept, the performance goes on, it may do well in competition simply because the technique is the best of the day, everyone breathes a sigh of relief that it’s over, but by then a new normal has been created.  The next new costume or routine is even more shocking and suddenly the one that shocked before doesn’t seem so bad.

This trend is pervasive throughout society right now.  Certainly not just in children's dance, but also in music videos, movies, games, TV shows, clothing stores, sports and especially advertising.  There is so much ‘noise’ that to be heard one needs to shock, push the boundaries, do something more than the last person.  The dance world – with it's well groomed children wearing make up and revealing costumes, dancing in provocative styles to adult lyrics – reflects and perhaps contributes to this progression to a hypersexualised childhood, and therefore not surprisingly is open to criticism.

What is the harm if we let this just continue unfettered?  I honestly do not believe it will create more pedophiles.  Presumably it creates more material for them to enjoy – something many of us don’t like to think about – but those pedophiles have plenty of material beyond the dance world to access 24/7 on the internet or even in the catalogues in the mailbox.  I believe the larger risk is that creates harm to us as a society.  There is plenty of evidence that the increasing sexualisation of children, objectification of women, and hypermasculinity in men is creating enormous social problems.  If you are interested in this topic there is a wealth of information – just google these terms and start reading.

The thing is, over time kids see all of this imagery and behaviour as normal.  And adults around them see it as normal.  And adults start to think that children actually have those characteristics they are portraying.  We start to forget that they don’t actually understand sexuality, they are play acting as they have been taught.  Our children soak up this culture day after day after day.  They learn through saturated media that it is a boy's role to dominate and a girl's role to please him sexually on demand.  Then when one of our sons asserts unwanted attention on one of our daughters who resist, there is confusion on both sides.  As adults we watch in disbelief when we watch news events like the Steubenville rape case, an event that was high profile but certainly not isolated in nature.  But why are we so shocked?

As a dance community we think it is ok to playact this stuff on a public stage in a suburban school hall to the encouragement and delight of an adult audience.   But if a dance teacher regularly asks a student to pose for photographs in small costumes or studio uniforms, to much public adoration, why would we expect that the same child would understand that his asking her to pose similarly but naked is a significant and inappropriate extra step? It's not a signficant extra step to the child, who is simply eager to please the adults around her.  No wonder our children get confused as to what is appropriate and what is not.

You may think I’m talking nonsense.  Fair enough.  I think there is a lot of evidence to support my assertions but you may disagree.  That’s ok.  But here’s the flip side.  Can someone please explain to me the advantage of smaller costumes and provocative choreography on children.  What benefit does it provide?  Why can they not achieve the same skills in a non-sexualised environment?  What harm does not sexualizing them cause?

I hypothesize that by creating common standards and best practices, similar to those that have been set in other arenas such as schools and swimming pools, on matters such as competition rules, sharing information on the internet, chaperones for tours, changing room policies, viewing windows into studios and so on, we might hinder the ability of potential predators to indulge their fantasies, because those fantasies would look out of place in this world, where increasingly right now they don’t. Let's not make it so easy for those who want to disrespect our children in this most hideous of ways.

And along the way, perhaps we create a healthier social environment for our children in this increasingly sexualised and objectified society.  A separate but equally worthwhile goal.

There certainly appears to be momentum to develop such industry guidelines, and I for one couldn't be happier about it.  I don't care who leads that charge as long as the process is open to all to provide input and discussion, and I'm grateful to those who have started the process.  I hope the momentum continues long after this news story leaves the headlines.

Grant Davies is not the first or last person to be accused of sexually abusing students in his care.  Sadly there are likely to be more just as there have been in other areas of life, such as sports, schools and churches.  But I'm hopeful there is the will now, as a community, to limit their opportunities and stop enabling, while simultaneously contributing more positively to society and our children's future wellbeing.  Surely our children deserve that we try.

Once Seen, It Cannot Be Unseen

The traffic on this humble and quiet blog has suddenly exploded in the wake of the arrest of Grant Davies of RG Dance.  I'm not surprised as the topics I discussed in a couple of my posts - the first one in particular - go to the heart of much of the discussion that has been happening in social media since the news broke on Saturday, and many people are scouring the internet looking for answers to what now seems like an obvious question - how can this have happened without anyone knowing, it seems so obvious.

Grant Davies is not yet convicted.  It is possible - like a few are still hoping - that he is not in fact guilty of the crimes laid at his door.  I don't have enough information personally to make that call so I will leave it to the courts to decide.  But his arrest has got many many people talking, and looking at everything that RGDance did and stood for.  Many of those people are from outside the dance community, seeing it all for the first time.  Others are from within the dance community and seeing it with fresh eyes.

And there is a lot to see.  Even after the RGDance website, Facebook page and other social media sites were disabled, this particular dance school had chosen to be extremely highly connected on the internet.  It was a specific tactic.  Their children were photographed like no others and those photos shared, cross-posted, tagged and shared again in every possible forum.  There were blog posts and emails and videos and books and TV shows and a lot of persistent marketing.  There were several websites under different names.  They wanted to make money, for sure.  To many of us the sales tactics came across like those of a snake oil fraudster, but lots of people - especially young girls - loved the hype of it all.  Certainly RGDance wanted to be seen and they wanted a fan base.  To make money or to get famous or for some other purpose that was the clear goal - to build a fan base. 

Many of us seeing those photos constantly, everywhere, without even trying very hard, found them difficult to look at with approval.  Lots of shots with crotches faced directly to camera, very little covering them. Legs hyperflexed so all the musculature and all other pubic structures were easy to discern. Often in a costume on a stage, but just as often in underwear or pyjamas, 'goofing' around the studio.  Anyone daring to comment 'I'm not sure it's appropriate to post that' was ignored or dismissed - obviously we are supposed to be looking at the skill and artistry, 'it's no worse than you would see on a beach', to see anything else just showed we were either prudes or dirty minded. 

Well lots of us did report those photos to Facebook or elsewhere as inappropriate.  I'm not sure Facebook ever did anything with that.  But guess what - there were people looking at those photos who were in fact dirty minded. There was evidence of it!  A couple of times I saw it come up in my newsfeed that men were befriending some of these children.  I thought that odd and went to look at their profiles, and lo and behold their pages were filled with dancer photos, along with photos of what can only be described as sexually provocative pictures of children.  I went on to report those individuals who were in fact blocked on FB (I'm sure they turned up again with new names a day later).  Occasionally a ripple would go through the dance community when someone was aware of a suspicious person befriending kids on Facebook, and suddenly everyone was outraged and concerned.  But the obvious steps - stop posting these kinds of photos, remove the kids from Facebook and Instagram - it seems these options were never considered much to the befuddlement of many.  Even in the wake of the weekend's events many of those pages are still active, all the photos still there, even when we know the whole world is scouring through them right now.

In the light of the last few days many people are speculating about this whole situation in a new light now.  There was a clear campaign for as many children as possible to have personal and fan pages on Facebook.  There was a clear campaign for the children - with the aid of their parents - to collect as many followers as possible.  The constant posting, re-posting and cross posting of photos encouraged more and more likes.  What was the true motive here in retrospect?  To make these children famous in the showbusiness industry?  That was certainly the public position, although it seems like a ridiculous way to achieve it to anyone doing any analysis.  To gather followers so that a pedophile could create a network of willing, young, impressionable, eager, 'stars-in-their-eyes' potential subjects?  That's starting to look like a real possibility.  Friends of friends received friendship requests from Grant.  My own daughter did, but she quickly chose to block.  How many others - very young children who should certainly not have been on Facebook in the first place - would be so excited to receive a friend request from this 'famous' dance guru who was the teacher of their idols?  I'm sure the tactic worked plenty.

And then workshops and concerts and appearances which were increasing in scope and frequency.  The travel made it all seem exciting and exotic to those dancers and their fans and fed the idea that they were, in fact, superstars.  To many in the Sydney dance scene we assumed RG had chosen to go further afield for their adoration because they weren't too much respected within Sydney - too many stories from ex-RG students floating around to have them be universally embraced here.  (The RG community no doubt dismissed this as sour grapes from competing schools).  Girls attending these workshops were encouraged to post their own photos as they worked on the tricks they had learned - and many duly and excitedly complied.  The adoration of abs began - more and more photos where girls were literally lifting their tops up to be photographed showing their abs, to much admiration (a trend that prompted my last blog post).  This of course encouraged their fans to start doing the same or at least trying to emulate.  To many eyes now this focus on thin helped to keep the girls looking young - pre-pubescent for as long as possible - and fragile.  A desirable trait in dancers possibly, but an even more desirable trait to a certain subset of the pedophile community.  More and more fodder for the dirty minded followers, incredibly dangerous for the young girls involved.

A young journalist captured with outside eyes what the concerts were actually for in an article written scarily just a few weeks before the arrest.  It was creepy before, it is truly creepy seen in retrospect.  It now seems the point of the concerts was to solicit likes on Facebook.  The kids were groomed to solicit.  And the parents - with stars in their eyes - completely enabled all this, excited about the opportunities their kids were getting to travel and perform.  Now, with the benefit of hindsight, we start to think that maybe this was in fact a tactic to increase that 'network' ultimately for the purpose of serving a pedophile's actual motive.  (If you haven't read the excellent article it's here (and I'm sure her traffic has increased a lot too!):  http://www.honisoit.com/2013/03/seymour/?fb_comment_id=fbc_547047605318489_6361552_569483166408266#

Many people have started commenting on and questioning the inappropriate choreography and costuming that has been pervading the dance scene in Australia, undoubtedly originating in Sydney.  Recently an eisteddfod in Queensland introduced very controversially tight new rules on this topic even though many thought it wasn't a problem in Queensland.  It seems the Sunshine Coast community felt that trends from the south were starting to head north and they wanted to take a stand against it.

If the trend started in Sydney many people are connecting that to RGDance and their relative dominance in the local dance community.  They are technically strong and certainly flashy - lots of impressive acrobatic tricks from strong, well groomed and thin girls.  They won lots of sections and often deserved to.  Consequently they had a position of power in setting trends and set them they did.  Gradually other schools started to copy or emulate in different ways, either getting caught up in the 'trend' or seeing it as the only way to 'compete'.  And again, criticism was dismissed - as well demonstrated in the events that led to my first blog.  I'm so glad the subject is coming up again and many are asking for change - if nothing else good comes of this tragedy that might be at least one small win.  Did the small costumes encourage pedophiles?  Well yes...suspicious men were caught on more than one occasion attending eisteddfods to enjoy the show.  But with fresh eyes I now suspect the small costumes that RG Dance were a reflection of the preferences of the co-owner of the studio - he dressed his kids how he liked to look at them.

Why were they so strong technically?  What was it about the teaching methods at RGDance that created such a stable of very thin, extremely flexible children?  Well partly they were selected for body type and skill - there is certainly evidence of poaching and the audition process could have removed any hopefuls that didn't fit the bill.  I'm starting to wonder if children were also selected based on their parent's willingness to join the fame seeking atmosphere of the studio.  There have been pervasive stories for many years about food diaries and fat shaming, strongly denied by RG many times and seen to be 'proven wrong' by regular photos of their kids sharing cakes, ice cream and other junk food for birthdays and other celebrations.  Still the stories persisted along with those of parents questioning things being ostracised overtly or subtley.  Although they were self proclaimed as dance technique gurus, others who are more qualified than I question their both their methods and their credentials.  Recent events certainly make you wonder about that.

There were so many things that have happened along the way that one can only look back at now and re-evaluate.  Grant Davies started a community page on Facebook called 'Dance Parents Connect' - ostensibly as a way to bring the dance community together.  How very noble of him, given the controversial nature of his school.  Within a day or so of that group starting, once a number of parents flocked to join it (and it wasn't obvious that Grant was the administrator), he start posing conversation starters such as 'how do you keep your dancing child's younger siblings busy during eisteddfods?'  Parents - easily identified as to name and studio - quickly responded, explaining how the little brother would play his Nintendo in the corner all day, or the young girls might play outside.  Friendly conversation, or information gathering for the pedophile community?  It looked wrong to me then, and I amongst others reported it.  It looks frightening in the light of new events.

There are so many angles to this story.  I don't know what really happened at RGDance.  I don't know who knew what or what their real motives were.  I suspect we will learn more as time goes on. I do know that many many people are hurting right now, especially the children and families involved and my heart is bleeding for them.  I know that many - often young children and teens - are feeling betrayed and let down by people they looked up to. I do know that many people are looking at the situation with new eyes and wondering how it could have happened.  We need to harness those critical thinking skills and remember to apply them every single day from now on.  We have to learn from this whole hideous episode.  We have to seize the moment and say as a community that we won't ever enable this again.  We have to question everything we see and the motives of people who tell us to do things we aren't comfortable about.  We have to recognise our gut feelings and report, report, report things that don't look right.  We can't let this happen again.

A Weighty Issue

I’ve been around a number of conversations lately where the appropriate weight for child dancers has been discussed.  There seems to be two points of view – those who express concern that children with very slight builds and very visible abs (abdominal muscles) are dangerously underweight, and those that say these children are happy and healthy and simply very fit.  In the middle of a child obesity epidemic it seems ridiculous to be worrying about the health of young, fit and clearly not overweight children – but there are also definitely risks associated with being too thin.

So I spent some time reflecting on my own experiences as a dance student in the 70s, my daughter’s more recent experiences, and those of some of her classmates.  And I spent some time on research on the web, looking at medical research studies on the links between and causes of underweight, depression, body image, eating disorders and dance.  And there is no shortage of credible information out there if you want to look, not to mention many blogs and articles from ex-dancers or current dancers about their own personal experiences.

If you look at any individual child, it’s very hard to determine just by looking at them if they are, in fact, underweight.  To some extent our body shape is determined by genetics and chance – some kids (and adults), even those that don’t do much exercise at all, seem to be able to eat plenty of food but stay pencil thin.  These people are not then nutritionally compromised – thin is normal for them.

However, this healthy but genetically driven thin is not common.  So when there are many children all in the same place who seem very thin, it does make critical thinkers wonder if this is a weird co-incidence or a cause for concern.  When all those thin children are involved in dance, then those critical thinkers who are aware of the statistics on eating disorders and mental illness in the world of dance might raise their concerns higher.

For at least decades it has been acknowledged that certain professions have higher than normal prevalence of eating disorders and related mental health disorders (mostly anxiety and/or depression) – dancers, models and jockeys are three of the most commonly cited.  And there are many reasons for this.  First, both eating and anxiety disorders are highly correlated with perfectionist personalities – high performing competitive dancers are often, by nature, perfectionist.  Second, dancers, models and jockeys all gain advantage in their careers by being thin – in the case of dancing low weight makes it easier to perform many dance moves and facilitates lifts and acrobatics, so there is an incentive to stay lean.  Third, professional dancers (and models and jockeys) are always thin - thinness is desirable and rewarded, so a culture of being and staying thin is widespread.

Then, unlike any other sport I can think of, dancing provides ample opportunity to be self critical.  Dancers spend hundreds of hours dressed in body hugging (and sometimes very small and unforgiving) studio uniforms, in front of mirrors, watching themselves and their classmates in detail in mirrors.  Dancers have ample opportunity to view every lump and bump and analyse every wrinkle and wobble as they move, and they can constantly compare themselves to their classmates.  Furthermore, the current generation of children and teenagers are the most photographed in history, and those photos are often shared with the world through social media for comment (and judgment – it’s important to collect as many ‘likes’ and positive comments as you can).  This provides plenty of incentive for an already competitive child to compete with their classmates on numerous facets - flexibility, thinness, visibility of abs or many other measures positive and otherwise.

Children who do not participate (or are unsuccessful) in this unspoken competition are often ostracized by their peers in class – and teachers would often be oblivious to this quiet torment.  Even children of perfectly normal weight begin to feel fat amongst their peers, and are subject to both real and perceived criticisms from classmates about wobbly tummies, developing breasts or costumes that don’t fit (and many of these costumes are clearly not designed for children or teens with a belly, hips or breasts).  I’ve known children to drop out of dance because of this pressure alone (even at very young ages).  And overweight children – who would probably benefit from being involved in dance – feel very unwelcome and intimidated in this environment, regardless of their dance abilities.

It has been argued that dancers are at higher risk of eating disorders because controlling eating is the most practical way to maintain thinness.  Generally speaking, dancing is actually not very aerobic.  Quite often it is an anaerobic art, focused on muscle strength and flexibility rather than cardiovascular fitness, so the average dance class doesn’t burn nearly as many calories as many other sports.  Many hours spent in dance classes leaves little time for any other exercise so diet is the main way to control weight.

Most medical sources quote normal body fat percentage for a normally fit woman to be between 21-24%, and for an athletic woman to be 14-20%.  Essential fat – subsistence level – is 10-13%.  These figures are for adult women – adult men have lower normal body fat percentages.  For children the appropriate level of body fat is a little higher (age dependent) because children need additional fat resources for growth and development – often this is held around waist and is lovingly referred to as ‘puppy fat’ – it’s normal, it is not an indicator of overweight.  For a 12 year old girl normal body fat percentage might range up to 29%, with body fat below 16% considered underweight.  Measuring body fat is not simple – BMI is often used as a proxy but will overestimate body fat in a muscular person.  Various formulae exist and are easy to find online.

Lots of fit children from many different sports will have well developed abs, but you won’t necessarily see them.  Visible abs are a clear sign of both abdominal muscle strength and very low body fat percentage.  Body builders who want to show ripped abs are advised one thing – reduce body fat percentage.  Competitive bodybuilders dramatically and temporarily reduce body fat just before a competition in order to make the abs as obvious as possible.  It is said that an adult woman needs to have a body fat percentage of 15-17% (8-10% for men) to be able to see abs clearly – and many in the medical community advise women against pursuing this goal as abdominal body fat is important to women’s physiology (obviously competitive female bodybuilders are prepared to do it nonetheless).  I’m not sure what body fat percentage is required to make abs visible on children, but if it is the same at 15-17%, and if body fat % under 16 is considered underweight in children, it doesn’t take a genius to conclude that children with very visible abs are quite possibly underweight.  And this at a critical time of growth and development, and for no clear positive purpose that I can identify.

How could very low weight children (or adults) perform everything they can if they weren’t, in fact, healthy?  Well, a body in starvation mode makes the best use of the energy resources it gets to fulfill the energy requirements of that body – and it withholds nutrition from other body functions in order to do so – creating long term physiological consequences.  There are plenty of examples of professional dancers suffering eating disorders leading to their early death or to their long term poor health, yet maintaining professional dance careers along the way.  So clearly the fact that a child is a high performer in a physical activity doesn’t stop them from being at risk.

Not all underweight children will go on to have long term health problems as adults.  Not all underweight children suffer from – or go on to suffer from - eating disorders or mental illnesses.  But a significant percentage do – a much much higher percentage than the general population.  With ample statistics showing the increased risk, and known risk factors that are difficult to modify, how do we control the risk?  I’m not sure – no-one seems to have figured that out although we’ve known about the problem for decades.

However, I feel sure that the constant praise of extreme thinness, and encouragement to achieve thinness (if for no other reason than to show off one’s abs), in an environment which is extremely competitive, in a world that increasingly values thin, cannot be a good combination for the long term health of children in the dancing community, at least statistically speaking.   And I don’t think anyone should be criticized for raising this long acknowledged issue (although I appreciate that the criticism is not always eloquently expressed).

One thing I do wonder is why parents or teachers are often so confident that they can detect who is at risk and who is not.  Criticism is quickly dismissed as jealousy and followed by a reassurance that the kids are happy and healthy and that their parents would clearly know if there was a problem.  My experience with a few anorexics and bulimics that I have known is that they are very good at hiding their disordered eating habits from the people around them.  So while defensive responses are understandable, it wouldn’t hurt anyone – and may benefit some - to learn more about the risks, focus your praise on achievements rather than body shape, maintain an open dialogue about the subject with your kids, and re-evaluate the situation constantly.

Here’s a few links to get you started:

http://dancerseatingdisorders.wordpress.com/2011/05/09/fueling-the-fire-ballerinas-depression-and-eating-disorders/

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/theatreblog/2008/may/05/russianballetweight

http://www.lifewithcakeblog.blogspot.com/2010/12/nyc-ballet-dancer-criticized-for-being.html

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16211632

http://content.karger.com/ProdukteDB/produkte.asp?Aktion=ShowAbstractBuch&ArtikelNr=284997&ProduktNr=253424

http://ntur.lib.ntu.edu.tw/bitstream/246246/155916/1/44.pdf

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18729131

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15581653

http://www.tanita.co.uk/fileadmin/redaktion/_temp/body-fate-range-chart.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_fat_percentage

Stage Parents - Are You One?

Have you ever met a stage parent?  The parent who goes to extremes to push or promote or manage their child, and who seems to see a talent or skill or beauty in their child that they truly believe is greater than the other children around them?  A parent who believes their child is just waiting to be discovered, and will be if only they are at the right school, in the front line, in the best costume, with the best routine, doing the most classes and the most practice.  And a child who is in possession of the most medals/trophies/awards which validates their belief in their child’s unique skills.

If you are in the dancing world, I’m sure you have met a stage parent.  You probably have some at your studio.  You can probably think of a few off the top of your head.  But would you know if you were one?  Do stage parents recognise their own behaviour for what it is?

We all want the best for our kids.  We all want them to have happy healthy lives, to have success, to do better in life than the generations that went before.

But in pursuing these dreams for our kids, are we acting in their best interests?  What exactly is the goal?  How do we know if we’ve gone too far?

The thing is, kids want nothing more in life than to please their parents.  Absolutely nothing makes a child happier than to think they have made their parents proud or happy.  Or more basically, that they have earned their parents’ acceptance and approval.  Children will pursue that as a main goal.  At the end of the day, the activity that achieves the pride or approval isn’t really relevant, as long as the goal has been achieved.  This is true in pretty much any endeavour – child prodigies in every field from tennis to swimming to gymnastics have time and again told stories of miserable childhoods spent trying to please their parents through their achievements, and always falling short, needing to do more.  It’s not enough to win the school race, then there’s the district, and the state, and the nationals, and the world championships, and the Olympics.  Always another step to go to achieve parental pride.  Stage parents in the dancing field are exactly the same.

Consider this – if your child does well at a competition, and you congratulate them and make a fuss, are they happy because they know they have achieved a personal best?  Because they achieved self fulfilment?  Or are they happy because they can see that you are happy? 

What if they fall short of expectations?  Muck it up and forget the routine, forget to point, forget to smile, and then miss out on a place.  Do you show your frustration?  Your disapproval?  Your disappointment?  Do you look for outside sources of blame - the judges didn't know what they were doing, were random, must have been blind.  Is your child allowed to simply fail without failing you and your hopes and expectations?

Is it possible you are misreading their motivations to do the next competition or the extra class?  Is it because they want to do it, or because they feel it will make you happy - that if they just try a little harder you will be pleased with them?

I’ve been reading online about signs of stage parents, and found some interesting behaviours that perhaps you’ll recognise in others, or scarily within yourself.

-          Stage parents go out of their way to build a relationship with the teacher or coach, or other influential people within the studio, in the sometimes unconscious hope that cultivating these personal relationships helps build favour for the child.

-          Stage parents probably tend to inflate their own importance to the studio, and get annoyed when their child doesn’t seem to receive appropriate special treatment - is just treated like ‘one of the many’.

-          Stage parents become involved in their child’s tuition or coaching – questioning the teacher, the position in the routine, the costumes, the progression to the next class.  They regularly seek new teachers or studios, perhaps with the hope they might finally find a teacher who recognises their child’s true talent.  Interestingly, while they initially invest much time in praising the child’s teacher, if goals are not achieved when expected, the stage parent will start to criticise the teacher to others, and eventually seek out a new one.

-          Stage parents often become coaches themselves (regardless of their lack of qualification).  They will critique a performance (often finding fault), decide their own child’s strengths and weaknesses, enforce stretching or practice sessions, take them to dance events/concerts so they can understand the goal set for them if they only work hard enough.  They manage their child’s ‘career’ in all aspects.

-          Stage parents encourage, reward or admire children for performing even if it isn’t in their best interest to do so – when sick, injured, overtired or burnt out.

-          Stage parents allow and encourage children to miss other activities – school events, (or simply school!), birthday parties, playdates, important family events, to ensure they don’t miss class or a competition.  Really, how far backwards can they fall by missing a few classes a term, compared to the social rounding they receive by maintaining and building relationships, and being exposed to experiences, outside of the world of dance?

-          Stage parents ignore requests from the child to try other activities or pursuits, or to take a break.  If the child is burnt out, it might be better to let them take a term off.  They will either resist going back (in which case they probably are never going to be successful in dance as a career, and forcing them into it will just build resentment), or they will miss it terribly and beg to go back!

-          Stage parents often start very early.  They will profess how much their child loves to dance – indeed was born to dance - to the exclusion of any other activity, despite never really having tried any others.  How can a child of 4 or 5 (or even 10 or 11) ‘choose’ a career in dance, commit to a dozen or more hours of dance a week, when they’ve never seriously tried any other activity?  It’s important that children be exposed to lots of life experiences before they commit to a single one.

-          Stage parents are often people who have been disappointed with their own progress in life. Often they pursued the activity (in this case dance) as a child and didn’t achieve as many goals as they wanted (or their own parents wanted), or they wished they could have done the activity and weren’t allowed to.  This frustration in their own lack of achievement or experience is then to be resolved by enjoying their child’s achievements.

Do you think stage parents recognise themselves as such?  I think they hardly ever do.  Are they bad parents?  Not intentionally, of course not, but I doubt they do their children much long term good.  What happens if the child ultimately doesn’t achieve their parent’s dreams for them?  Those children may spend a lifetime feeling that they’ve somehow failed or fallen short, that they haven’t earned that much-craved-after parental approval, and they may go on to become stage parents to their own children.

Truly successful people, those who achieve sustained success in any field, are successful because they are drawn to the activity in question and pursue it freely, without prompting or pressure, without promotion or because their parent has sucked up to the teacher.  They do it not to please other people, but to please themselves.  They don't need to be reminded to practice.  They set and achieve their own goals – not those arbitrarily set by others.  They find satisfaction in their own achievements, not in the acceptance of their parents when they bring home a trophy.

I think it’s a worthwhile exercise to test yourself – are you a stage parent?  Does your child truly want to be involved in dance or are they doing it to please you?   Even if they truly love dance, would they be just as happy doing a fun class a few times a week, or do they really want to be in the ‘best’ school and doing group and solo competitions most weekends?

Do they obtain their self worth through achieving goals you have set for them, rather than by achieving goals they have set for themselves?  It’s no good asking them, they won’t necessarily admit it, or even recognise it in themselves - children are by definition not emotionally mature, they lack insight.  But think about your own motivations.  If your child announced tomorrow that they wanted to drop it all and take up karate or ten pin bowling, how would you react?  What would you say?  What would you do?  Would you be disappointed? And most importantly of all, would your child detect that disappointment?

A worthwhile set of questions for us all, I think.

Concert Costumes...always a hot topic!

OK, since my last post I’ve changed my mind.  I would much rather be responsible for dressing my own child than being presented with some of the costumes I’ve seen come out of concert season this year.

Of course, it’s no guarantee that my child won’t be asked to dance to inappropriate lyrics with inappropriate moves, but at least she will be dressed appropriate to her age.

Like my very first post that prompted creation of this blog, I ask myself – ‘what were they thinking!?!’

I know it’s not just me…there are other parents who aren’t happy.  I know one parent who was shocked about her daughter’s costume given to her a couple of days before the event, and had discussions with other shocked parents outside the studios, but felt intimidated about how to approach the dance teacher with her concerns.  Too late to change the costumes, unwilling to punish her daughter by pulling her out of the dance, reluctant to be seen as the ‘difficult’ parent.  It’s not an easy situation, and I’ve seen it play out similarly several times over.

The kids aren’t necessarily happy either.  I know kids who have been mortified seeing the costumes they have been given to wear.  But again, they are powerless to complain.  Kids, and especially young teenagers, are desperate to fit in and will usually just go with the flow – they certainly are not going to question the adults who are teaching and dressing them.

Of course, plenty of parents and kids do seem happy – proudly posting and re-posting photos on Facebook of their children or themselves seriously underdressed, in revealing poses.  ‘How can that possibly be?’  I ask myself.  Have they just become immune?  Can’t they see it for what it is?  And these same children then take their lessons to school, pulling up their skirts and flashing their sexy lacy bra-lets from under their white school shirts.  Well, after all, once you been on stage in front of hundreds of adults in a teeny tiny spangled bra and low cut knickers (which surely required a bikini-wax before wearing), and danced with a seductive pout and a shaking of your booty – to the cheering and positive reinforcement of the crowd - it all becomes normal, even desirable.

And that influences how you dress for a birthday party.  Or to go shopping.  Or to go to school.  I have definitely observed at social functions that those of my daughter’s friends who dance are more likely than their netball or soccer playing friends to wear high heels, low cut tops, short skirts.  I hypothesise they are taking on board the encouragement they get to be ‘sexy’ well before their time, and their parents are not discouraging them.

I repeat from my first post – I’m not a prude.  I’m not a religious conservative.  I’m not picking on any one dance school.  I’m just a shocked parent who feels powerless.  I absolutely know I’m not alone.  I know discussions are being held in dressing rooms, in waiting rooms, in corridors and on Facebook.  But clearly not many of us feel comfortable bringing up the subject with our dance schools.

I can only hope to raise the topic for discussion, and perhaps prompt a costume designer here or there to reconsider, review and maybe, revise.  And if my child were asked to wear something I felt had crossed the line, I think I would now speak up - writing this blog has made me braver.  If you are a concerned parent, I hope reading it might make you braver too.

Concert Season - aaargh!

I don’t know many dance world mum’s who relish concert season.   It is stress with a capital S!  Most of all, it is a huge time commitment and takes over the scheduling for the whole family for weeks beforehand.

First up – so many extra rehearsals!  My child would love to spend all her days at the dance school but there’s so much else going on.  This is the season when school projects get finalised, tests and exams need to be sat, formals and special assemblies occur, sports finals are on, as well as many end of year celebrations, school spectaculars, etc etc etc.  Not to mention trying to balance the needs of other children in the family who might undertake different activities.

It is so hard fitting everything in and there is so little flexibility if you have to miss a dance rehearsal.  At least from my child, who feels the pressure not to miss any rehearsals, in case she misses some choreography or gets moved to the back line.  I do understand commitment, but is it fair to pressure children to miss important school and life milestones, to fail to support their siblings’ endeavours, or to wear themselves out to a near nervous breakdown?

The commitment is especially difficult for working parents, who usually have lots of end of year commitments at work too.  How can we be in several places at once?

What to do about this?  I have no idea.  Some schools hold their major concerts at times other than end of year – that sounds very attractive, and yet somehow doesn’t feel right…!?

And another thing - I hate organising ‘do it yourself costumes’.  I just don’t have time and they end up costing me so much more than if I could just pay an account.  I never seem to buy what the dance teacher (or my child) has envisioned.  And my child usually can’t come on the shopping expeditions to try things on because she’s in rehearsals!  Gosh  I dread getting those notes!

So, is it worth it?  Well, I know I’ll think so when the concert is on – that’s what keeps me going!  I’ll be watching my child, proud as punch and relishing her joy.  I’ll be admiring the army of helpers who I know have contributed to the fantastic show.  I’ll be overwhelmed with gratitude for the hardworking teachers who have no doubt, just like me, had little sleep leading up to the night, just so that my child and her friends will have the best possible experience.  And I’ll be back next year.  So I guess – yes – it’s worth it!

Choreography Cringers

Like many other dance parents, this dance mum has spent many hours in dusty school halls, RSL clubs and large auditoriums watching kids’ competition dance.

Why do I think I’m qualified to comment on choreography?  It’s like wine – I can’t report on the vintage, the grape or the bouquet, but I know what I like.  So my comments come from the view of a dance mum watching troupes dance for hours at a time over quite a few years.  I’m not a dancer, a teacher or a choreographer, but I know that these are three separate and very difficult skills.  Unfortunately poor choreography ruins many a talented dance group. 

I’m going to point out here (since the hoo haa of my last blog) that I’m not picking on any one dance school – I’ve seen lots of bad or tedious routines from a variety of dance schools.  And while I appreciate that choreography is an art, subject to personal preference, I think there are some elements that are just universally bad.

So here is a list of the choreography elements that make me cringe or yawn the most.  Of course, you’re free to disagree…I’d love to hear your thoughts.

1.       Not doing anything

You know, at the beginning of the routine, where everyone’s on stage and the music is 8 or 16 counts in, and everyone starts to wonder if it’s the wrong music?  Or worse still, when there is a change to a new position but we have eight counts left till the next verse, so we just stand and bounce.  In my view, good routines have no dead space…fill every second with entertainment of some type, please!

2.       Not changing positions

Usually in this scenario the kids are in lines across the stage, all doing the same thing, for most of the dance.  It’s really dull – you feel like calling out from the stands “MOVE for goodness sake!”   And let those kids in the back corner come out at least long enough to catch the photographer’s lens!

3.       Time to move!

Almost worse than not moving is doing the obvious ‘time to move!’, when we take a break for 8 counts, put our hands behind our back, crouch down and scutter to the ‘V’…or the circle…or the vertical lines.  We dance there for a bit and then – ‘time to move!’.   It’s almost like a party game.  It’s so much nicer when position changes are actually incorporated and have purpose.

4.       The mismatched song/costume/choreography

All elements should work together.  Sometimes there is a very strong costume theme (maybe ‘pirates’ or ‘cavemen’) and it seems to have nothing to do with the song, so I find myself spending the whole 3 minutes trying to figure out the connection!  There doesn’t always have to be a theme, but if there is, commit to it!

5.        The dodgy back line

I think the back line is the defining mark of a good group routine.  This is where everyone on stage is committed, knows the routine and is capable of performing it.  It’s all very well to have your stars up front dazzling us with the complex moves and difficult tricks, but I’m often watching the back line – usually because I’ve been distracted to look that way by the kid in the corner who seems to have missed a lot of rehearsals, looks bored, or is the only one who can’t do a double turn.  Make sure everyone on stage knows they are always being watched, and make sure every kid on stage has something to do that they can do well.  (And I don’t mean ‘take out the weaker dancers’ – they should be there, just give them something to do they can manage, and make sure they are committed!)

6.       Too much flipping

As someone who barely managed a bad cartwheel, I do admire acrobatic skills – really I do.  But some routines feel like gymnastics floor routines gone crazy.  This is a dance competition, not a gymnastics one – show me some dancing!  Acro used as a dance element – engaging.  Acro used as a time filler - annoying.

(Sometimes competitions have acro sections, but they never seem to have much acro in them – they always seem to be full of contortionists, which is impressive in itself, but not acro.  Go figure!).

7.        The corner to corner simple canon

Everyone loves a good, complex, energetic canon.  What I’m talking about here is when there are 8 kids in a line from corner to corner doing one simple move each.  Often we get to the end and they reverse order and do one simple move back the other way.  It’s like the choreographer ran out of inspiration or time and just needed to fill up 16 or 32 counts.  By the third person we can predict what’s happening with the rest of the line, and gee it feels like a long time to wait while they do it…

8.       Patterns that aren’t quite patterns

Audience members can count.  Even with a fairly large troupe, when you have patterns we can see if the pattern doesn’t make sense.  Sometimes this occurs with costume choices – where there are 16 of the same costume with two of each colour, except there are three yellows and only one blue.  I spend the whole three minutes counting kids and wondering why it’s like that.  Or when you have 16 kids and put them in three vertical lines of five kids – and the one near the curtain has the extra kid (surely put the remaining kid in the middle line???).  I’m not obsessive compulsive, but these things drive me nuts!

9.       Kids who go missing

This is really obvious in smaller troupes, or where everyone is wearing a different costume - sometimes kids go missing for large parts of the routine.  I know the troupe is sometimes split to show off the advanced talents of the few that the many can’t do, to show light and shade and change things around, or to fulfil a particular pattern – I’m cool with that.  I’m talking about the dance progressing as normal, but you notice the kid in the red wig has left the stage, and then lo, they run on from the side to join in again a minute later.  I presume they were away for Saturday rehearsal when the troupe learned that bit, but it’s very distracting.

10.    Kids with cameos

I’m talking here about the 5 year old who comes on stage for 15 seconds to perform in a 14/u troupe routine, apparently to manipulate the average age of the troupe.  If the kid isn’t doing much or isn’t acting as a ‘prop’ for a storyline, then leave them out of it and move the kids to 16/u where they belong please!

11.    The random move

Sometimes this is pulled off with artistic finesse, but often it’s just odd.  Everyone’s dancing along and suddenly one stops to do a leg mount.   Or pulls out of the group to do a random backflip.   It feels to me like Sally just mastered a new skill last week, so we need to put it in the new troupe dance.  Every move on stage should belong to the routine, not just pop out of nowhere.

12.   Music mashups

Not so bad if there is a theme…Michael Jackson medley, songs about the lollipops, or a 60’s tribute.  But just as I get grooving to a great old favourite, suddenly the music changes for no obvious reason to something completely different.  That’s just plain annoying.  Generally I’d much rather 3 mins of the same song, but if you have to change music, please make it flow.

(And while on the topic of music, if you aren’t good at cutting music, pay someone who is, please.  Oh, and finish the music off at the end neatly – not halfway through a verse.  Much appreciated, thanks.)

13.  Age inappropriate moves

But there was enough about that on the last blog entry so I'll leave it for the moment... :)

So – did I miss any of your favourite ‘annoying’ choreography elements?